My dirty little secret

imageOnce my husband had returned from deployment we were not “not trying” to get pregnant. We were both in our late twenties and had been married for three years and most of our friends were either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Just a few weeks after zach’s return from Afghanistan we found out we were pregnant. I was elated at first.

But here is my secret…after the novelty of pregnancy wore off I had some major reservations and apprehension about having a baby. What the hell did we know about babies? Not a damn thing. I never even babysat! Zach had just returned from a 9 month deployment and we were still trying to get aquainted after a long, hard deployment. The extent of my baby knowledge stemmed from what I learned in physcial therapy school. So I could tell you by what month does baby walk, crawl, roll and all the gross motor milestones but ask me to change a diaper or make a bottle?! Everyone kept telling me, “your mommy instinct will just kick in”. But what if it didn’t?!

You do not need to hang out with me long to know that I am as laid back as it comes. This laid back “type B” personality is a blessing and a curse. Not much ruffles my feathers but my laid back personality usually results in procrastination and passiveness. I had enough difficulty keeping up with my own appointments and responsibilities, how was I supposed to be a primary caregiver to something so fragile and helpless.

Another apprehension was losing control of my body and body image. I had worked three long years to lose over 50 pounds. I was finally at a place were I felt pretty again. I knew that stretch marks, excess weight, and hormonal changes were a likely possibility in my near future. And as vain as it sounds it was truth.

This was my secret. Behind the smiles and words of excitement I was utterly terrified. No one wanted to hear that. If I would bring up any apprehension most people would either ignore or dismiss my reservations. Was I ready to give up most of my social life? Was I ready for sleepless nights? And what about my career and work life? Would the stress of a baby affect my marriage?

So speed up the clock and Mason is here. I am still utterly terrified but there is something different as well. I have never felt so much love in my life. I would look at Mason and I could feel my heart swell. I have never felt such a pull to protect and love something so much in my life. I found myself  watching him sleep in utter disblief that he is mine and how how perfect he is. I was so completely exhausted from labor but I did not want to miss one sweet breath from my little one. And the strange thing I feel like I’ve been waiting for him my whole life. Like fate had been preparing me for the moment of becoming his mom. All the pieces fell into place just like everyone had said they would. I still didn’t know how to change a diaper or how to breastfeed or make a bottle but as a family we would figure it out. Mason would look at me with his big brown eyes and know that I would love him forever and we’d be okay.

Life is different know. My bedtime is usually closer to 8:30pm rather than 1:30am. I find more enjoyment buying baby clothes than buying dresses, shoes, and purses for myself. My saturday nights consist of Mason’s bath at 5 followed by bedtime stories, kisses goodnight, and watching some red box movie with Zach while I sip on some wine before I pass out. My priorities have changed and where I used to be #1 someone more special and deserving has taken my place. Things have not changed in that fact as I’m still learning as I go but I’m not scared anymore. I know that God has blessed me with privelage of being Mason’s mom. I might not know it all but I know what matters most and he calls me mom.


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